Grieving Cheslie Kryst. Resources + What to do when someone you love is suicidal
Trigger Warning: Content includes topics on suicide
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My heart always weighs heavy when I hear anyone dying by suicide. I've followed Cheslie Kryst, Miss USA 2019, for a few years now. Though I don't know her personally, her death has significantly impacted me.
I don't always have the exact answer when my clients ask me why they feel tremendous sadness when a celebrity or someone famous dies by suicide. "Why does my heart feel grief when I didn't even know them personally?" Grief impacts everyone differently, and you don't always have to make sense of your emotions. Give yourself permission to feel confused, numb, or sad.
The thing about us humans is that we're complex beings. There could many, many reasons why we feel what we feel. After meditation and some reflecting this morning, I realized that I looked up to Cheslie because of the similarities of our identities. To me, she symbolized traits that I wanted to emulate.
I grew up watching pageant shows with my mom. I enjoyed seeing elegant women who were intelligent and talented. To be honest, sometimes it challenged my self-esteem. I've worked hard to change my relationship to it. Cheslie Kryst, Miss USA 2019, was one of the people that helped me change my perspective from comparison to inspiration. In my eyes, Cheslie Kryst was talented, smart, successful, and a beautiful advocate. And it appears despite all her hard work, she was still suffering.
How suicide affects the community, family, and others
According to American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US. To put this in numbers, the same foundation states that in 2019, 47,511 Americans alone died by suicide. That's an average of 130 suicides per day.
The facts can be heavy.
Often when we encounter death, we start to think about our own mortality or the mortality of the people around us. The more challenging part is we don't always talk about death or suicide openly because it can be taboo or against our religion. Sometimes we even blame the person who has died by suicide.
But we do need to talk about it because suicide and mental illness are very real and have long-lasting effects on our personal health and in our community.
Why suicide prevention is important
Suicide prevention is essential because it is preventable. According to the CDC, one person dies by suicide every 11 minutes. I share the same vision of no lives lost to suicide as the CDC.
Many changes need to happen on a systems level. In California alone, you can see here that 73.3% of communities did not have access to mental health care. As a collective, we can do a better job of connecting with others. I often find myself telling clients that loneliness breeds depression. Connectedness and community are vital for a person's mental wellness.
On an individual level, check in with others and do what you can to make them feel loved and supported. There is no expectation that you will completely rid someone of their suicidal thoughts and feelings. But we can always direct them to the right place (keep scrolling down for resources). Familiarize yourself with suicide hotlines or mental health resources to give to those who may be suffering.
What are the steps to take if someone is suicidal?
Start to look for some warning signs. This could be someone outwardly saying that they are suicidal. They may express feelings of depression, shame, anger, or hopelessness. You may observe changes in their behaviors such as isolating more, increasing use of drugs and alcohol, buying firearms, giving away possessions, or visiting people to say goodbye.
If you have a hunch that someone is suicidal, start by asking questions and be direct as possible. I know that this can be uncomfortable, but studies have shown that asking someone if they are suicidal sends the message that you are willing to have the conversation and can decrease the likelihood of a suicide attempt. When having this conversation, avoid sounding judgmental. Sometimes toxic positivity, though well-intentioned, can sound patronizing.
AVOID statements or questions such as:
"How could you be suicidal? You have so much to be grateful for?" "It's not that bad; other people have it worse."
"That's a really selfish thought. Imagine how your family/friends would feel."
"It's a sin to attempt suicide.”
Even if you're coming from a good place, questions and statements like this can feel invalidating. Instead, ask questions like "How can I help?" As mentioned earlier, it is not your job to be their mental health clinician. You could always lead them to help and encourage them to get treatment.
Continue to be there for them. Connectedness and limiting someone's isolation can protect someone with suicidal thoughts. How do we do that? Attend to their emotions and provide validation. Remember that when you validate someone's emotion, it does not mean you agree with their suicidal thoughts. It means that you are recognizing and accepting where they are emotionally. These can sound like:
"That sounds really hard."
"Thank you for sharing this with me. It means a lot."
"You are not alone, and I can help in figuring this out with you."
Keep them safe. If you can, remove all items that can lead them to attempt suicide. Asking their plan can help inform you on how to keep them safe. If this is not possible, you can call the authorities or drive them to the emergency room. To the black community and all those who have had challenging experiences with the police, calling the cops can be highly triggering. This is something to keep in mind. The Psychiatric Emergency Team (PET) is an alternative to calling the police. They are licensed mental health clinicians who provide evaluations (resource listed below).
Help them connect. I can't say it enough. Connectedness is a protective factor for suicide. Help them come up with people they can contact if feeling suicidal, the suicide hotline, and a mental health clinician. After trying these steps, checking back in is also very important. It can continue to show that you care and drill in the connectedness.
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, below is a list of resources.
Resources for suicidal thoughts
National Suicide Prevention hotline: Call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). You can also use the chat option.
You can also connect 24/7 to a crisis counselor by texting the Crisis Text Line. Text HOME to 741741.
Call 988 to be routed to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
Suicide Prevention hotline for Los Angeles listed here
For affordable mental health care: Open Path Collective
To donate to an organization that supports black women receive mental health care: The Loveland Foundation
To learn more about ways to take care of your mental health, contact Camille at camille@diversifiedtherapyla.com
