7 Tips on How to Split Holidays When Married
Key Takeaways:
Flexibility, creativity, and conflict resolution strategies are key to reducing holiday-related stress and maintaining relationship harmony.
Embracing cultural and religious differences can help create meaningful holiday traditions that reflect both partners' backgrounds.
Seeking guidance from a therapist, especially one experienced with interracial couples, can help navigate the complexities of holiday planning and family expectations.
Every year, Alex and Elijah found themselves dreading the holiday season. No matter how carefully they planned, tensions flared as they navigated expectations from both sets of parents. Each side wanted a full day with the couple, and the pressure felt endless.
For many relationships, managing holiday schedules with extended families can be challenging, and this stress can impact the whole season. In this blog, we’ll discuss practical ways on how to split holidays when married, helping you create a balanced plan that honors both families and traditions and reduces tension. From navigating in-laws who tend to monopolize holidays to considering your own needs, we'll explore steps that can make holiday arrangements feel fairer and more enjoyable.
By setting boundaries, being open to finding a middle ground, and embracing new traditions, couples can enjoy their time together, even if it means making adjustments to what “holidays” look like each year.
A couples therapist’s guide for navigating split holidays
Splitting the holidays when married can feel like navigating a minefield of expectations, especially if in-laws monopolize holidays or if each family expects to be the primary focus. However, with intentional planning, clear boundaries, and a willingness to compromise, you and your spouse can reduce stress and set a holiday schedule that works for you both. According to this research article conducted by Tarkang, Alola and Yumuk, making a joint holiday decision can positively impact a couple's relationship. Here are a few tips to help you navigate holiday arrangements so everyone feels valued without sacrificing your own needs.
1. Communicate Openly and Early
How to Do It: Start by sitting down with your spouse well before the holiday season to discuss your ideal plans. Talk openly about each family’s expectations and where you each feel pulled. Acknowledge each other’s concerns, and be willing to listen without judgment.
Example Scenario: Let’s stick with the example couple above, Alex and Elijah. They always felt pressured by their parents to visit for Thanksgiving. This year, they set aside a weekend in September to discuss how they wanted to approach the holidays. They decided to alternate spending Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other, rotating each year. They both felt relieved to have a clear plan in place.
How It Helps: By addressing the holidays early on, couples can avoid last-minute conflicts and develop a game plan that respects both families’ traditions and avoids misunderstandings. Setting this as a standard practice can help both partners feel heard and valued.
2. Set Boundaries with Compassion
How to Do It: Be clear and compassionate with both sets of families about your decision. Explain your need to balance family time, and let them know you’re making these choices to reduce stress. Reassure them that you value time with them, even if it’s not on the exact holiday.
Example Scenario: Jack and James were worried about how to tell Jack’s parents they wouldn’t make it to every Thanksgiving. They decided to explain to his family that, in order to keep a balanced life and their relationship strong, they would be alternating holidays. They suggested a weekend dinner a few weeks before Thanksgiving as a special family gathering.
How It Helps: Setting boundaries early and clearly prevents assumptions from both sides. Although there may be disappointment initially, families often appreciate the honesty, and it encourages healthy relationships. Plus, it lets your own family plans develop without pressure.
3. Create New Traditions as a Couple
How to Do It: Consider creating your own traditions with your spouse as a way to blend family expectations with new experiences. This could involve celebrating the holidays on an alternative date or creating rituals just for the two of you.
Example Scenario: After years of feeling rushed and stressed traveling to multiple family dinners in one day, Beth and Mike decided to spend Christmas Eve together at home, making their favorite holiday meal and exchanging personal gifts. They reserved Christmas Day for family visits, rotating between sides each year.
How It Helps: By creating new traditions, you establish a sense of unity and stability in your relationship. When couples put themselves first and make special memories together, it strengthens their bond and alleviates the pressure of meeting everyone’s demands.
4. Be Willing to Compromise
How to Do It: A successful holiday schedule usually involves give and take. Some years may lean more toward one family, while the following year may focus on the other. Flexibility can reduce stress and help both families feel appreciated.
Example Scenario: Shelby and Linda found it difficult to see both families every Thanksgiving due to travel. They decided that instead of alternating holidays every other year, they would spend Thanksgiving with Linda’s family and then celebrate a “Second Thanksgiving” with Shelby’s family the following weekend. The second celebration allowed both sides to enjoy the holiday with them without the travel strain.
How It Helps: Compromising shows both families that you’re making an effort to include everyone, even if it’s not on the actual holiday. It’s also a way to spread out the celebrations, which can feel less overwhelming and give you more quality time with each family.
5. Stand Together as a Team
How to Do It: Agree to support each other’s decisions and be united when communicating plans to your families. When couples present a united front, they avoid placing one person as the “villain” or causing family members to question their choices. In the Gottman Method, we call this “Me vs. We.” We want to establish a sense “we-ness” versus an isolated decision making.
Example Scenario: Rachel’s parents expected her to spend Christmas Day with them, but her wife, Shannon, wanted to celebrate at home with their kids. They discussed it together and told her family they’d be visiting on the weekend after Christmas instead. By presenting this as a joint decision, Rachel and Shannon avoided making it seem like it was only one partner’s choice.
How It Helps: Standing as a united front fosters mutual respect in the partnership and encourages each family to see your partnership as a priority. It reduces blame and encourages a more supportive atmosphere, helping to build long-term harmony.
6. Plan Alternatives for In-Laws Who Monopolize Holidays
How to Do It: If one set of in-laws consistently expects your presence, consider creating a tradition that limits your visit to a specific time frame. Offer alternative ways to spend time together, like a post-holiday brunch or a weekend stay.
Example Scenario: James’s in-laws always expected his family for the entire holiday week, but this year, him and his husband decided to spend only three days with them. They offered to do a family brunch instead, allowing them to visit his husband’s side afterward.
How It Helps: Setting limits helps manage time without sacrificing family connections. When you establish this structure, it reduces pressure and ensures no family feels prioritized over the other.
7. Be Prepared to Adjust Over Time
How to Do It: Understand that as circumstances change, so may your holiday plans. Be open to reevaluating your approach to ensure it continues to work for both of you. This is especially important as families grow, children come along, or parents’ needs change.
Example Scenario: After a few years of a rotating schedule, Jessica and Tom found that splitting holidays no longer suited their growing family. They decided to invite both sets of families to their home instead, creating a new tradition that everyone looked forward to.
How It Helps: Flexibility allows your relationship to thrive as you adapt to new stages of life. Adjusting holiday plans over time helps maintain harmony and keeps everyone connected, even as family dynamics evolve.
Special considerations for intercultural couples
For intercultural couples, navigating the holiday season can add another layer of complexity due to differing traditions, customs, and expectations. In a study focusing on the challenges of intercultural marriages, the most identified consequence was arguing about challenges and the emotional toll that comes with these arguments about differences. For instance, perspectives on marriage itself may vary, including how holidays are spent. Here are some unique considerations that can help intercultural couples create a holiday plan that honors both backgrounds:
Understand Each Other’s Traditions: Take time to learn about your partner’s holiday customs and what they mean to them. Ask questions about family traditions, typical holiday foods, and any cultural or religious practices they hold dear. This shows respect for each other’s culture and lays the foundation for incorporating both traditions.
Find Areas of Overlap: Some holidays may share similar values, themes, or even customs. For example, if one partner celebrates Christmas and the other celebrates Diwali, focus on the aspects of light, family gatherings, and festive meals that bring both holidays together. Blending these elements can create a shared experience.
Alternate Holiday Celebrations: If both cultures have important holidays around the same time, consider alternating the primary focus each year. This way, each partner’s traditions are honored equally, and you can fully immerse yourselves in each holiday.
Create New Traditions Together: Starting your own intercultural holiday traditions as a couple can bring a unique sense of unity. This could include hosting a fusion dinner, combining traditional foods from each culture, or setting aside a specific night to honor both family heritages.
Involve Family Members: If both families are open to learning about each other’s customs, invite them to participate. Educating both sides can help bridge cultural gaps, creating a more inclusive and connected family environment.
According to the Pew Research Center, there has been an increase in newlyweds of different cultures and identities. The increase means there is an importance in understating ways to navigate differences and still have relationship satisfaction. Among the topics are how to navigate the holidays. So it is even more vital to work on openness to each other’s holiday practices and making thoughtful choices. Intercultural couples can celebrate the holidays in a way that honors both backgrounds. This approach fosters understanding, strengthens the relationship, and allows for a meaningful, blended celebration that respects each partner’s heritage. Ultimately, these shared experiences can enrich your family’s Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas Eve, Hannukkah, Kwanzaa, or other major holidays for years to come.
Final thoughts
In this post, we covered key strategies to help married couples split the holidays smoothly and reduce stress. By planning early, communicating openly, setting compassionate boundaries, and creating new traditions, couples can ensure that both families feel valued while preserving their own quality time. Compromising, presenting a united front, and managing in-laws’ expectations are all essential in reducing holiday tensions and hurt feelings, and being flexible over the years allows you to adapt to changing family dynamics.
If navigating holiday plans is causing strain, couples therapy can be a valuable resource to help both partners feel understood and supported. A licensed marriage and family therapist can guide you in setting boundaries, handling family expectations, and developing a balanced approach that respects both your needs. Therapy offers couples practical tools to strengthen communication, manage holiday stress, and work together as a team to create lasting, positive holiday traditions.
Note: While this blog focuses on married partners, the strategies discussed can also apply to couples who aren't married, as well as other partnerships. Whether you’re engaged, dating long-term, or in any committed relationship, navigating holiday expectations with family can bring similar challenges. These tips are designed to help any couple build stronger communication, set boundaries, and enjoy meaningful celebrations together, no matter your relationship status.
In couple’s therapy here at Diversified Therapy, you can dive deeper into some of the dynamics that come up during the holidays. Therapists in this practice can help you process your thoughts and emotions, as well as teach you tangible skills to navigate your relationship during the holidays and beyond.
