How to Let Go of Perfectionism: 3 Tips From a Therapist

If you were drawn to this blog post, you might have asked yourself at one point or another “Am I a perfectionist?” I know I have. I always strived to be the perfect black woman… whatever that even meant!

Most of the time, perfectionistic thoughts manifest in the context of work, but they can show up in other areas of our life, such as in friendships or romantic relationships. Likewise, one can exhibit it in physical appearance, diet, exercise, environment, or how they present themselves. In this blog post, the focus will be on perfectionism in the workplace. 

There was a time when declaring perfectionism as one of your strengths at a job interview was a smart move. Now, perfectionism could be a potential warning sign to employers. 

So first things first, what is perfectionism?

Perfectionism is simply the idea that one can achieve perfection and that nothing will be adequate unless it is flawless. It could also be that you have expectations of perfection from others. Perfectionists definitely have some desirable traits: Organization, self-discipline, and being results-oriented. All of these are good qualities in an employee. This is most likely the reason why it is hard to rid ourselves of these qualities - they can serve a very valuable purpose. 

Sometimes we can get lost in the behaviors related to this trait, and not consider its downfalls. 

It has come to light that perfectionism has its links to the development of mental illnesses. Although perfectionism itself is not a mental health condition or diagnosis, many people who suffer from depression, ADHD, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and anxiety can exhibit perfectionistic behaviors. Perfectionism and other mental health problems can intersect in areas like ADHD Perfectionism and anxiety perfectionism.

If you consider yourself remotely close to being a perfectionist, you might feel like you always need to quadruple-check your work before letting anybody see it. You fear that if your work isn’t at the standard of your liking, you discourage yourself from allowing it to be seen, sent, or published for others to see.

One of the frustrating consequences of perfectionism is that you end up spending more time than is required, making your to-do list impossible to complete. While being a perfectionist might seem like the motivation to get the job done quickly, it actually increases the tendency to procrastinate. 

If you're wondering, does perfection exist? Especially in the workplace, the clear answer is no. 

Once you subscribe to the idea that it does, you fall into the trap of focusing on how to perfect your work and are overwhelmed by the fear of not being perfect. You may find yourself feeling exhausted, burnt out, and losing motivation as a result. Perfectionism can control your life and become your identity. 

Let’s look at other ways this may show up in your work.

Extreme fear of failure.

Perfectionism often stems from fear of failure. You might ruminate on past mistakes and might not forgive yourself for them. You tend to catastrophize any criticism that is given to you. Maybe you constantly think about 101 ways you will fail at a particular task, and then you end up not completing it.

Rigid and high standards.

It sounds reasonable to have high standards when it comes to your work. Nobody wants to do a mediocre job. However, there's a huge difference between having high standards and never thinking your work is good enough despite your competence. You won't let anyone see, read or listen to your creation unless it is absolutely perfect!

Your value is tied to your productivity. 

Values are part of what drives our behaviors. Our values are typically taught to us by our caregivers or influenced by our environment.

Try and reflect on what qualities your caregivers taught you. Did you expect it to be perfect? Were you always pushed to do more, even if you did reasonably well? Was that a way you received praise and a sense of belonging?

Start to reflect on these questions and notice what comes up for you. Bring it up in your therapy sessions so you can better understand how these values have impacted you throughout your life. 

Difficulty managing stress.

Your work is never done because of this unrealistic goal that you set for yourself. You or others may refer to yourself as a workaholic. It’s hard to find a balance between work and personal life. You constantly feel like the work never ends and so is that to-do list. You might feel like you’re drowning no matter how many times you try to pull yourself up for a breath of air. 

Procrastination.

Perfectionists are diligent workers, which can seem like a quality that makes them an asset in the workplace. However, striving for perfection comes with the tendency to procrastinate. Perfectionists are not so concerned with getting things done quickly but with getting things done perfectly. This can lead to putting off what needs to be done for a long time because of the fear of failure, which prevents them from achieving their goals.  

Evaluating yourself and others too harshly.

Perfectionists are not just concerned about their personal work. There is also the tendency to nitpick at the work of co-workers in the workplace. Such a habit can cause unnecessary anxiety and sometimes frustrate your colleagues. Likewise, harsh criticism of co-workers can be demoralizing. 

Keep in mind that this isn't an exhaustive list. Your perfectionistic tendencies may show up in their own unique ways.

3 ways to start letting go of perfectionism

So now we identified what perfectionism could look like, how could we start to be free of it?

Before we start, it is important to set the tone: Be honest with yourself. Trust yourself, you are human, have realistic expectations, and challenge the thought of who you think is perfect. A healthy and thorough self-evaluation is the first step in curbing perfectionism. This is the beginning of reorienting yourself and your mindset rooted in perfectionism. Challenge the thought of who or what you think is perfect.

Here are some tips that have helped my therapy clients (and myself) with overcoming perfectionism.

1. Set realistic expectations.

Give yourself permission to make mistakes. Set reasonable goals. Perfectionists have a tendency to set impossible standards, which leaves them feeling disappointed when they fall short. Lower the pressure on yourself! We live in a world where employers may easily forget that humans have heartbeats and are too focused on outcomes and productivity. This is your reminder that you are human; A human who is capable of error. A human who needs rest, play, love, and belonging regardless of what you have achieved and how you’ve accomplished them.  

2. Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries.

This does not only mean with your work, but also with yourself. If you are swamped with work, talk to your manager for support. Maybe ask for help from a colleague. Factor in some time management. When you're working, track your time, so you don't exceed your limit and stress yourself out. Perhaps you can set a timer to close your computer at 5 pm or turn off work notifications at a specific time. Whatever tactic works to keep you from overworking yourself. 

Part of setting boundaries is listening to your body’s needs. Social media and employers can really put a heavy emphasis on the “hustle” culture. Human beings need to refuel in order to be productive. Having trouble figuring out what your boundaries are? Try starting with your basic needs. Ask yourself — Will this activity get in the way of your health? Will it impair your sleep, skip meals, and take away from playtime? The more you practice this, the more you’ll find that you don’t need to be perfect in order to succeed.

3. Focus on your values over perfection.

Think back to why you are doing the task at hand. Focus on the meaning of what you do rather than trying to do it perfectly. Is it because you need to be perceived a certain way by your colleagues? Is it because you value hard work? If you make errors, would that define you as an employee? Go easy on yourself and rethink the definition of success. There are other ways to measure success aside from overworking.

Admittedly, when you have perfectionistic tendencies it’s hard to get rid of them.  It has many benefits, most of which are positively reinforced by society and sometimes corporate culture. It feels good to receive recognition, awards, or a promotion when you do your job well, so changing your behaviors becomes easier said than done.

On the one hand, perfectionism can motivate you to perform at a high level and deliver top-quality work. On the other hand, it can cause unnecessary anxiety and slow you down. The key is to find a way to harness the positives of your perfectionism while mitigating the negatives.

Ready to finally let go of perfectionism? I'm here to help.

Awareness is the first step; willingness to change is next. As you reflect on this topic, consider your quality of life. Determine the cost you're regularly paying in your struggle to be perfect. Is feeling burnt out and constantly pressured worth whatever perfect is? Determining what you're sacrificing makes it easier to stop having unrealistic expectations.

*ALSO, for educational purposes, this study is a good resource.

As a recovering perfectionist myself, I understand how difficult it can feel to let go of perfectionist tendencies. These patterns are deeply ingrained and protect us from criticism, uncomfortable feelings, and more. At the same time, the negative self-talk, low self-esteem, and difficulty accepting ourselves can take a significant toll.

Thankfully, it is possible to overcome perfectionism. Therapy can help you practice self-compassion and self-acceptance. You can also experience relief from the mental health conditions associated with perfectionism, like anxiety and depression. With time and practice, you'll be able to let go of your high expectations and embrace yourself exactly as you are.

To learn more about ways to take care of your mental health, contact Camille at camille@diversifiedtherapyla.com