Why boundaries are important
Unlike boundaries that exist with physical territories, some kinds of boundaries are not visible, so they can easily and unintentionally be crossed.
Boundaries in the context of this blog are the limitations and rules we have within ourselves and with others. I think it’s fair to say that most of us strive for healthy boundaries (instead of having them be too rigid or too porous). Someone who holds a healthy boundary is able to say “no” to others and ask for what they need in relationships. At the same time, this person is able to still connect deeply with others.
Of course, it is not always easy to work on setting healthy boundaries for many reasons. One of them may be because you simply are not sure what your needs are in certain situations and relationships. The aim of this blog post is to help you start exploring and thinking about your needs.
So, let’s dive in!
What boundaries look like:
Physical boundaries
Physical boundaries include your personal space and also any form of physical touch. Crossing a physical boundary could look like someone going into your private space like your bedroom or office area without permission. For physical touch, this could look like giving a friend or family member a hug or kiss even if you don’t feel comfortable to. It’s easy for this specific example to look like part of culture and tradition. We hug, shake hands, and kiss each other on the cheeks. So it’s important to take a moment and remind yourself that you have a choice here and don’t have to excuse this as part of our norm. Ask yourself questions like “Do I feel comfortable hugging this person? Is this what I would really want or did I just get used to doing it?”
2. Intellectual boundaries
Boundaries don't always have to deal with physical interferences. Intellectual boundaries exist in relation to your thoughts and ideas. For instance, if you decide that you don’t feel comfortable talking about political beliefs at your next thanksgiving family dinner, then you can set a boundary around this. This includes your thoughts and ideas. Examples of this could be “I don’t feel like talking about this right now. Can we revisit it later?”
3. Emotional boundaries
This is exactly what it sounds like. Setting good emotional boundaries could be about what, when, to whom, or how much you want to share anything about your feelings. You are allowed to feel anything that comes up for you, and you are also entitled to choose what to do with them.
4. Sexual boundaries
Healthy sexual boundaries mean having respect for limitations or desires between sexual partners. Crossing those boundaries would be ignoring your partner’s desires. It is also possible for you to cross your own sexual boundaries. If you allow your partner to do sexual and intimate activities that you are not ready or comfortable doing, you can be ignoring your personal needs for your own body.
5. Material boundaries
Good boundaries around your materials refer to taking care of your money and belongings. Take note of friends who borrow money and don’t pay you back. Or maybe you have friends who borrow your items and return them in poor condition or maybe leave your house a constant mess.
6. Time boundaries
This refers to how you use your own time and someone else’s. Healthy time boundaries look like setting a balanced amount of time for different areas in your life, especially with work and personal life. This boundary can be crossed when someone does not respect your time by coming late, constantly canceling with late notice, or even demanding too much of your time. Another example could be someone pushing the boundary of time that you already set - someone asking you for an extra 20 minutes or asking you to go over time.
Why can it be hard to set boundaries?
Look, I know. It is NOT as easy as it sounds. Communicating your boundaries to others can be really challenging, especially if you have people-pleasing tendencies. You can also be afraid of hurting someone’s emotions, especially if they are important to you. You can also be the person who is afraid of conflict, rejection, or might feel responsible for other people’s emotions. Sometimes, it could also be just as simple as not being fully aware of what your needs are. If this resonates, go easy on yourself. We are social creatures so we crave connection. Any threat of potentially rupturing your relationship with people you care about (or not) makes it really challenging to set these boundaries.
Many people contemplate how to set boundaries in a relationship without being controlling, which brings into perspective how to politely set boundaries. The idea that you might upset people around you or come off as mean is a common thought. However, setting boundaries at the onset prevents miscommunication or misunderstanding that leads to built-up resentment. One of the importance of setting boundaries is that you don't have to do things that conflict with your values.
The first step is identifying what your needs are first and getting clear on what you want. This article can be a good start to exploring what those are. It is hard to ask for what you need from others or what to say “no” to if you are not sure yourself.
How boundaries are set
One of the models of therapy, DBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, uses this acronym to help people with practicing assertiveness.
DEAR MAN is an acronym I tell my clients to use all the time. It is a way to learn how to speak effectively and assertively. Sometimes it cannot be easy to articulate your needs to someone, so try this technique.
Describe what you are reacting to
Express your emotions
Assert your needs
Reinforce the reason as to why this need is important and how it could be beneficial
Be Mindful of staying on topic
Appear confident in your voice tone and body posture
Negotiate with others
To learn more about DEAR MAN, here is a helpful video I found.
Why boundaries are important
Setting healthy boundaries involves being in control of your behaviors instead of leaving it up to the other person. Take this scenario as an example. If you have a parent or partner who constantly yells at you in arguments, you can respond in these ways:
“Don’t yell at me”
VS.
“If you continue to yell at me, I’m going to end the conversation/hang up the phone.”
Do you notice the difference? The second option leaves the behavior up to you. Now, be careful that this does not turn into manipulating the other person. You want to make sure that your words and actions are rooted in your emotional needs and personal values.
Another tip is to be honest with yourself and ask if you are ready to hold this boundary for real. If you are a bit shaky with your boundary, it can send a message that you are not taking this as seriously, so the other person might try to push that.
Let’s say you recently went through a break-up and your ex-partner is bombarding you with calls even after you set this boundary of if they keep calling you won’t answer the phone. Then your ex calls you for the 7th time and you answer. That sends the message that you’re not able to hold your own boundary. So why would your ex-partner believe in your boundary if they would just know that on the 7th try, you’ll most likely pick up. Beyond setting a boundary, maintaining them is just as important!
Healthy boundaries are vital in protecting your well-being. They communicate to the world what your needs are and how to achieve them. If you keep this up, you will find yourself in fulfilling and reciprocal relationships and feel less burnt out. When you have too rigid or too porous boundaries, you’ll notice that you start to feel resentful of the other person because your needs aren’t getting met. This ends up building up over time, which could make you feel disconnected from your partner, family, or friends.
It is not going to be easy at first, or even for a while. Give yourself grace. I myself don’t always get it perfectly! But just like any skill, you get better at this with practice. Healthy boundaries promote respect and safety in relationships.
Let me know what you think! Have you tried setting boundaries? What works best for you? I’d love to hear from you! You could always contact me here!
To learn more about ways to take care of your mental health, contact Camille at camille@diversifiedtherapyla.com
