Unlearning the Perfect Black Woman Archetype
It's not unusual to catch ourselves chasing the illusion of perfection. To a black woman, the pressure to be perfect is heightened even more. Black girls grow into women with the mindset that being perfect is the way to cope with racism. Many high-ranking career women live with perfectionist tendencies because of the conditioning that we have to work harder to get ahead and rise above negative stereotypes in a professional setting.
Perfectionism has both positive and negative connotations, and the positives can be a reinforcing and desirable quality. There are benefits to perfectionism. I mean, how many people have you noticed take pride in being perfectionists!? Additionally, it is important to keep in mind that there are significant differences between being a perfectionist and being a high achiever. As you continue to read on, you will learn the differences and understand the benefits and downfalls of each one.
What is a perfectionist person like?
Clinical psychologist Linda Blair aptly describes a perfectionist as a person who strives for flawlessness, for a perfect creation, outcome, or performance. They find it difficult to delegate, even if that means neglecting their health, relationships, and well-being in pursuit of a 'perfect' outcome.
Perfectionists tend to set high standards for themselves and others. This high standard leads to rigidity or extreme demands from all areas of life. Most times, it supports an underlying unconscious belief that if you excelled at everything, life would get better. You may think that you are no longer obligated to present a strong front, no longer need to be vulnerable, or feel unaccomplished, even if you have the skills, experience, or academic achievements.
Several studies show that the struggle to be perfect mostly affects women. My guess is that it is attributed to the societal pressure women face regarding making mistakes. For us Black women, that pressure is even higher if we are the only person of color at our job or other social settings.
What are the traits of a perfectionist?
The question that may be running through your mind now is, “Am I a perfectionist?” Here are some traits that perfectionists may have:
1.You have unrealistically high standards.
Do you set a high standard for yourself and everyone around you? Perfectionists tend to set unrealistically high standards for themselves and their partners, friends, family, employees, and others around them. A perfectionist is someone that strives for flawlessness in all outcomes or performances. For a perfectionist, there is no room for mistakes.
2. You are overly self-critical.
Perfectionists usually have a rigid, unflinching way of doing things, and they expect nothing less of this from other people. When something does not conform to their approach, it is considered unacceptable.
When your plan goes awry, you become hard on yourself, and you’re in a hurry to beat yourself up and feel disappointed in yourself about a mistake that was probably not even your fault.
3. You constantly fuss over mistakes or errors.
When you spot a mistake, are you usually the first to point it out? This trait can make it difficult for people working with you. It can also make it hard to find the right people to work with. Being a perfectionist at work can negatively impact your relationships at work. Your employees or colleagues may experience you as a micro-manager or an overachiever as you constantly nitpick at their work. Having a controlling perfectionist as a co-worker or a supervisor can impact your satisfaction and happiness at work.
4. You focus only on results.
Perfectionists tend not to be concerned about the process or the growth achieved during the process. They are only focused on the goal. A high-achiever enjoys the process and learns from it. A perfectionist can be consumed with winning and doing all it takes to achieve the goal. If that goal is not achieved, then they may feel irritated and devastated. Perfectionists are usually “go big or go home” kind of people - there is no in-between.
5. You have a fear of failure.
Perfectionists are usually afraid of failure. To them, failure is not an option, and this is typically the genesis of being overly self-critical and critical of others. Anything short of perfection is seen as a failure.
Perfectionists may find it difficult and unwilling to be vulnerable. The impossibly high standards and lack of vulnerability in relationships could keep you from experiencing the intimacy and connection that life offers. You may get lost in the constant search to perfect your life or work.
Now, keep in mind that possessing these traits does not automatically make you a perfectionist. Occasionally, you might catch yourself slipping into the perfectionist mindset; It happens to the best of us! We’ve all asked ourselves some version of the question “why can’t I be perfect?”
What causes a person to be a perfectionist, especially Black Women?
Perfectionist traits could develop through growing up with strict parents or caregivers who had high expectations or were highly critical and abusive. This kind of background promotes an inadequacy in self-image or body image. This expectation can also come from organizations, communities, teachers, or other educators.
Perfectionism can also stem from fear of judgment or disapproval from others. It usually results in trying to live up to an internal ideal, but it can also be motivated by fear, such as worrying about how others perceive you.
In BIPOC communities, studies have discussed the impact of racism as one of the causes of perfectionism. Racism influences mentality and, overall, could lower self-esteem. Black women feel pressured by the socially prescribed perfection to fit the strong black women archetype. Sometimes, we also try not to fall short of the social standard of how the ideal Black woman should act or carry herself. This leads to an incessant need to prove yourself as a defense mechanism against racism. Being the only black woman or one of the few black women in a workplace or industry dominated by white supremacy culture can also contribute to developing perfectionist traits.
Overall, Perfectionism usually results from some root causes; therefore, consider speaking with a therapist or mental health professional with whom you get to the root of the problem.
The problem with Perfectionism
On the face of it, perfectionism may seem harmless. There’s nothing wrong with striving to be your best in your workplace, career, relationship, or family life. However, it becomes a different story when the struggle to be the best morphs into the fear of not being perfect, avoiding mistakes, errors, or overly criticizing failures, all of which are all features of a well-rounded life. Striving for greatness becomes dangerous when you do it to the detriment of your physical and mental well-being.
Is perfectionism a mental disorder?
Being a perfectionist becomes a constant pendulum of worry because it may feel like you can never seem to measure up to your personal best. In the struggle to achieve perfection, perfectionists are prone to achieve less while putting in more stress or work than other high achievers.
Besides, perfectionism increases the tendency to develop low self-esteem from the constant feeling of inadequacy. You constantly wonder whether you're good, smart, or happy enough. Additionally, the idea of perfectionism is often accompanied by imposter syndrome.
Although perfectionism is a personality trait and not a mental health disorder, perfectionists are likely to develop specific mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. Commonly, perfectionism and anxiety are interwoven. People who are diagnosed with anxiety often display perfectionist traits and constantly worry about how to be perfect. Perfectionism can be the source of anxious thoughts and feelings, especially when your performances fall below your unrealistically set standards. Perfectionists are prone to associate their self-worth with their performances, and this mindset increases anxiety perfectionism and dissatisfaction.
How do I stop being a perfectionist? Unlearning Perfectionism
Unlearning can be a complicated process, especially when such traits have been so ingrained in you and have benefitted you in the past. Fortunately, perfectionism is a learned behavior, which means that it can be unlearned.
Ridding yourself of the perfectionist mindset allows you to live a more fulfilling life. It enables you to be more composed and balanced to reach your goals. To overcome perfectionism, start to create awareness on how you engage with the idea of being a perfect black woman. Once you notice how it shows up in your life, start with managing expectations about accomplishing goals. It’s absolutely okay to set particular goals and work towards improving yourself. However, it’s not okay to devalue yourself in the process.
You can have the life you want without always needing to be perfect. Instead of hyperfocusing on the attitude of "let's aim higher next time," take time to celebrate your wins. Practice self-compassion. There is no benefit in letting your inner critic go rampant when there are aspects of your life that are outside of your control.
Practice flexibility in your thought patterns. Often we become rigid by seeing things as black or white or thinking that things are in our control.
In unlearning perfectionism, ask yourself, does perfectionism really exist? To be flawed and err is human. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You don't need to measure up to the prescribed aesthetics or the archetype of what a black woman should be. Allow yourself to make mistakes and challenge yourself to change your relationship with mistakes. Instead of “I should’ve done better,” or “I could do better,” replace it with “What lesson or message can I take away from this?”
Know that it's okay to ask for help! Seeking help does not undermine your capacity, and it does not make you seem weak. In fact, in the words of Brene Brown, vulnerability is courageous. It is not always easy to ask for help, but recognizing that you do is a sign of strength.
Finally, the plain truth is that perfection does not exist, least of all, in human beings. Start recognizing ways in how perfectionism enters your life and begin rewiring your beliefs. Unlearning perfectionism goes back to self-love and feeling adequate outside your accomplishments.
To learn more about ways to take care of your mental health, contact Camille at camille@diversifiedtherapyla.com
