Perfectionism in Relationships: 6 Ways It's Hurting You
Having high standards for relationships is not, on the face of it, bad. We all have ideas of the traits we want in a partner, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to experience the best. However, it is important to temper expectations.
The slippery slope of perfectionism creeps its way into all areas of life. It does not only apply to work-related tasks or being a perfectionist at work. If you have a perfectionist mindset, leaving your personal life out of it can be challenging. Perfectionists usually put a great emphasis on finding the perfect relationship or partner. This could be based on image, or societal beliefs of what a “good” partner means (i.e. holding a white collar job, making a certain salary, not estranged from family, driving a particular car, etc).
Perfectionism in relationships can be similar to general perfectionism traits. The typical traits include focusing on flawlessness, self-criticism, criticism of others, and upholding extremely high standards.
In this article, you’ll find out how perfectionist traits manifest in relationships and how you can prevent them from bleeding into yours.
Are you a relationship perfectionist?
Of course, every person craves a supportive partner who challenges them to be the best version of themselves, but perfectionism in relationships differs from having lofty standards. Seeking certain traits in a partner is one thing; expecting someone to conform to your ideas of perfection is another.
Perfectionism in relationships can be exhibited in two forms: while some people's perfectionism is towards themselves, others demand perfection from their partners.
Being a perfectionist in relationships could be trying to adjust yourself to become the “perfect” partner—presenting yourself as the Perfect black woman who has it all, including the ideal partner. While trying to put up this charade, it is easy to lose yourself and become inauthentic.
Likewise, many people subscribe to unrealistic and damaging expectations of what a healthy, functioning relationship should be, which births the notion that no one can ever be good enough. Perfectionism takes having standards to a height difficult for anyone to measure.
Although many people struggle to acknowledge it, perfectionist tendencies are often rooted in fear and lack of security. Usually, it is an attempt to protect oneself from potential heartbreak or hurt. It is precipitated by the view that getting a perfect romantic partner would reduce the chances of disappointment.
There could also be subconscious fears of being rejected by family or peers. The idea of “My partner has to be perfect otherwise it would be a reflection on me, and then people are going to judge me” can come up. Perfectionism could also be related to some mental conditions, and you would commonly see cases of ADHD perfectionism or Anxiety perfectionism.
What is perfectionist dating?
Most perfectionists don’t recognize their need for excellence or see that such an approach can be damaging. Their thoughts surround their drive for excellence, and because of this, they fail to notice how it may hurt them or the people around them.
A few of the many factors that make a fulfilling partnership are communication and compromise, honesty, vulnerability, and devotion toward realistic expectations. Building a solid relationship also entails establishing a connection with genuine needs, which could be a challenge for someone with a perfectionist mindset.
Although this is not an exhaustive list of all the ways perfectionism can manifest in relationships, it consists of six characteristics that may cause detrimental outcomes.
1. Unrealistic expectations
Sometimes, expectations are reasonable for a relationship to progress. However, they can equally be damaging in a relationship. If you have a lengthy list of requirements or traits a romantic partner must fulfill, then you may be a relationship perfectionist.
Perfectionists tend to have unreasonably high expectations of themselves and others. This trait includes the inability to tolerate mistakes. Once their partner falls short of these expectations, they feel ashamed of themselves or their partners and, most times, feel the need to set them straight.
2. Your partner finds it difficult to satisfy you.
If you’ve read up to this point, you have an idea that perfection in relationships is unattainable. While it is necessary and even advisable to have boundaries in a relationship, taking it to an extreme where no one can meet your expectations becomes a problem.
Perfectionists maintain the notion that relationships and everything concerning their partner should meet their unrealistic expectations. This can not only affect their mental wellness, but it can also affect that of their partner. This mindset and fixation on how to perfect your partner can lead to hurt feelings and damage the relationship.
3. Frequent Comparisons
You compare your partner or the dynamic of your relationship against what you believe someone else’s to be and try to beat that. Comparisons can also lead to presumptions and holding your partner accountable for what you feel is lacking in your relationship.
Social media has promoted the thinking why can't I be perfect? Or why can't my partner be like theirs? and then projecting such feelings onto one's partner.
4. Difficulty connecting with others
Vulnerability is essential in maintaining a healthy relationship and forming a deep connection with your partner. However, it is difficult for those struggling with perfectionism to show their real selves to their loved ones due to the fear of not being perfect. Perfectionists sometimes come with low self-esteem, fear of rejection, and feelings of inadequacy that can prompt them to want to maintain a certain image.
5. Defensiveness
Typically, perfectionists have difficulty acknowledging their mistakes especially if it's being pointed out by someone else. You might have trouble condoning criticisms from others, accepting failures, or any form of imperfection. It is not far from this to get defensive when arguments arise.
6. Looking at things through a black-and-white lens.
The inability to reach a middle ground makes mutual understanding very difficult to achieve. The perfectionist partner approaches matters in a relationship with the reasoning that it's either perfect or worthless. A perfectionist may think that in every argument, somebody needs to be right, and somebody needs to be wrong. This is motivated by the inability to make compromises, and creating compromises is vital for a healthy relationship.
How perfectionism affects relationships
Perfectionist tendencies could hinder one’s chances of developing loving relationships leading to feelings of isolation and disconnect.
Also, perfectionism could become a major cause of frustration for yourself and your partner as they would constantly be reminded that they have failed you and fallen short of your expectations. Such an element in a relationship can lead to a couple developing negative feelings, anxiety, and burnout due to the relationship.
Furthermore, perfectionists find it difficult to deal with or practice emotional intimacy. This disconnect leads to avoiding discussing personal fears, inadequacies, insecurities, and disappointments with even their closest companions.
Perfectionistic tendencies can ruin a good relationship. If you have these traits, it becomes more difficult to control your fear of the unknown. You begin to focus less on what you or your partner are doing right and amplify what you’re doing wrong.
Perfectionism induces stress and could prevent you from developing a real connection with a terrific person. If you're dating a perfectionist or married to one, you likely feel like you're walking on thin ice around your partner. These feelings can create distance in a bid to avoid disagreements.
How to overcome perfectionism in relationships
Reflect on the question, Am I truly a Perfectionist?
I always tell my clients that Self-Awareness is the first step. Once you are aware of it, every decision you make is now an active choice. And look, no one has 100% awareness of self (even us, therapists!) Whether alone or with your partner, therapy is a good place to gain more self-awareness and a place to receive objective perspectives.
Notice when you are projecting your unrealistic expectations on your partner. Also remember, I’m not saying to have needs and expectations - it’s okay to have “standards” and desires in a relationship. Your best bet is to have open communication about your needs with your partner and come up with a compromise on how to meet those needs.
Moreover, results take time! Pause and enjoy as you strive for improvement in a healthy manner. Allow for some trial and error while trying to achieve improvement. Instead, shift your high expectations toward longer-term outcomes. These strategies are much more adaptive than expecting quick results.
Notably, stop playing the comparison game. Many invent the idea of perfection by looking outwardly at the relationships of others. Whether you're the perfectionist partner or the one living with a perfectionist, the constant striving to measure up to keep up with unrealistic expectations can feel exhausting and defeating.
Does perfectionism exist in relationships?
So maybe everything isn’t perfect; that's completely normal. The idea of perfection itself is subjective, and the reasoning that it will make a partnership perfect is counterintuitive. Obsessing over not being perfect ostracizes people we care about and makes it difficult to develop authentic relationships. Relationships can be scary and can demand vulnerability. However, bear in mind that it is okay for a functioning and loving relationship to have its challenging moments too.
Get the support you need to overcome perfectionism in relationships.
If you're ready to start overcoming perfectionism, I'm here to support you. With practice and patience, it is possible to quiet the critical voice in your mind and lean into self-compassion.
To learn more about ways to take care of your mental health, contact Camille at camille@diversifiedtherapyla.com
