Putting Yourself First Is Not selfish, Here’s Why.
When giving safety precautions, airlines would encourage you to put on your oxygen mask or life jacket before assisting others. I’m sure you have heard this saying before. This analogy for self-care is cliche and overused but that's mostly because it is true.
How often do we recognize our personal achievements and check on our well-being before others? How often do we put ourselves first without feeling guilty?
What does putting yourself first mean?
When you love another person (relationships, friendships, family), you prioritize their desires, needs, and interests. This makes sense and, most of the time, we fall so low on our own priority list because we’re so busy caring for everyone else. We forget that we can be fully there for others while not neglecting ourselves. Truthfully, prioritizing your physical, emotional, and mental health could be one of the best things you do for yourself and everyone close to you. If you’re used to giving and giving without thinking of the opportunity cost or the toll it takes on your health, this article is for you.
Is it selfish to put yourself first?
The idea of putting oneself first does sometimes connote some form of negativity. That is why it is so important to clear up this common misconception. Self-care or prioritizing yourself is not the same as self-indulgence or selfishness. It helps to know where to draw the line. Putting yourself first does not mean exploiting others for your benefit or being un-attentive and unsupportive in relationships. Instead, putting yourself first is an act of self-respect and building a life that makes you feel fulfilled. Self-care is simply taking steps to tend to your physical and emotional health needs to the best of your ability.
Learning how to start setting boundaries and becoming the main character of your life takes work. Especially as black women, we put others first in terms of almost everything - Investing in others emotionally, financially, and physically before investing in ourselves
To deal with how to put yourself first without feeling guilt, understand the difference between selfishness and selflessness.
Why is it difficult to put yourself first?
Self-prioritization can be tough. We have societal pressures always telling us that putting others ahead of ourselves is the right thing to do. Some people have what we call a giver personality. They easily fall prey to cycles of guilt and shame. Some might feel that if they don’t sacrifice all of themselves, they’ll be viewed as a bad person.
As women, there have been many implied societal messages about our purpose. In my upbringing, there is a subconscious mentality that told me that I need to serve and do. It definitely laid the lays the foundation for what made me feel deserving and worthy. A "good woman/daughter/girlfriend" is expected to make sacrifices for her family, her household, and her work. These are the most common reasons why we struggle with self-prioritization. I was reaffirming societal sexism. I needed to change. At first, you might feel weird putting yourself first (anything new is supposed to feel weird!), but once you train yourself to do this, you will almost automatically never settle for less than you deserve.
Why putting yourself first is important?
This is why YOU should be on top of your priorities list. Prioritizing yourself can improve your:
Mental health and well-being
You’ve heard this ample times, “prioritize your mental health” but it is quite literally easier said than done. So, do we really? Today, the most common mental health issue in women is depression. Black women experience depression rates twice that of men. Repeatedly putting your needs on the back burner adds up and takes a major toll on your overall well-being. With the stressors, busyness, and responsibilities of daily life, we often lack the energy to invest in our mental wellness. If we keep compromising or endangering our mental health, it is difficult to be there for others when the need arises. Here’s an invitation: Can you put your mental health first this month? What does that look like for you?
Relationships
I always tell my clients, “teach people how to treat you.” By tending to your needs first, you’re better equipped to care for your family, friends, and loved ones. Instead of doing this out of obligation, you can do it out of love, free of resentment, or even guilt. While being your best self, you have more energy to devote to helping others when the time arises.
Increases work life and day-to-day productivity
Taking care of yourself is the pathway to high-performing work life. You are able to leverage your solo time to be more productive and enhance your work life.
Improves your sense of meaning, purpose, and happiness
By putting yourself first, you can live a life you envision, build relationships you love, and work on causes you truly feel strongly about. You feel happier and more content. You're telling yourself that you're just as important and cared for as other people in your life.
How to start putting yourself first
The most basic level of putting yourself first is practicing self-love. In this age of social media, the term self-love gets thrown around a lot. We hear it so often that we might think we know what it means. But how do you really practice self-love? The idea of practicing self-care or pampering yourself doesn't have to be luxurious things. It can be as simple as watching your favorite show or just getting some sleep. Self-care is a healthy way to cope with stressors and manage your mental health.
Let’s start with the little examples of putting yourself first in your daily life.
Daily self-check-ins:
Checking in with yourself daily to see how you’re doing. How are you feeling? What are your needs? These might seem like basic questions, However, we tend to ask others these questions but neglect ourselves.
Sometimes you might have to say no to other things or other people just to create time for yourself. We receive new information everyday. Are there some change of plans that you need to make for today?
Consider journaling. Write out your feelings (and use the feelings wheel!)
Journaling is a tried and trusted emotional management tactic. It's a great way to sort through your feelings of guilt or shame. Make a list of things you love to do, things that promote your feelings of happiness or relaxation. Then schedule a time to do these things. Writing out your rules and safeguards for self-care.
Spend time with yourself
Instead of worrying about the needs, interests, or opinions of others, alone time allows you to focus on yourself. A few minutes a day with yourself. You could try some meditation activities. Meditation is a simple way to spend some time tapping into your feelings and thoughts.
Practice Affirmations
We find ourselves saying nice things to others and forget that sometimes, we also need to hear them. Be kind to yourself.
Set Healthy Boundaries
If you find yourself trying to be a people pleaser, or putting your needs first brings up feelings of guilt and shame, this might be a sign to reassess your boundaries and start taking better care of yourself. Realize that you can love people and yet require space from them. Unapologetically put boundaries around toxic situations. Just because someone doesn’t agree with your boundary doesn’t make it any less valid.
Saying 'No' more often
Sometimes putting yourself first means saying no to certain things. It could be declining an invitation to go out or turning down a project you feel isn't right for you. Saying yes despite how inconvenient it is for you could result in sacrificing things you would rather not. This is how resentment builds.
Voice your opinion
Something as seemingly little as airing your views could be prioritizing yourself. Rather than worrying if you sound clever or second-guessing yourself, respectfully stand up for your values.
Cultivate Healthy relationships
While self-care by definition sounds like something that should be done in isolation, In actuality, you deserve all the support you can get. Yes, even when you question whether you’re worthy. Putting yourself first does not mean withdrawing from those who love you. Rather it helps to create a deeply connected, long-lasting partnership and invest time in people who care about you and wouldn't mind you prioritizing yourself.
Making healthier choices
Putting yourself first means listening to your body, making healthier choices, and getting active. We definitely need to be kinder to our minds and bodies. Make an appointment for a health check, join an event, or simply connect with other women. You don't have to do it alone. If you’re struggling, consider therapy or other mental health resources. Carve out time to see a therapist to sort out why you might be having trouble acting in your own best interest.
Ask for help
Putting yourself first could look like asking for help, especially if you have perfectionist tendencies. At times, the task in front of you might just be too grand for one person and absolutely no big deal with multiple hands on deck.
Let's ponder on this for a moment. If you can’t make yourself happy, how are you supposed to be the source of other people’s happiness? Putting yourself first is okay and even essential. The best part is, you can care for others without isolating yourself. You can have your needs met, safeguard your mental health and still create meaningful connections when you don’t neglect yourself.
To learn more about ways to take care of your mental health, contact Camille at camille@diversifiedtherapyla.com
